My mom was on a trip and needed someone to water her yard. By yard, I mean the incredible landscaping she has designed and executed in the front and back of her home, resulting in a gorgeous wraparound garden. In one of the raised beds, a rose bush had come into bloom, with vibrant, pink blossoms.
One rose had grown just low enough to become wedged between two cinder blocks, preventing it from blooming as the others around it did. It was all balled up–not the pointy bud that it must have started as, but actually more spherical as the tips of the petals hugged each other. Gently, I pulled it up and pulled it across one of the blocks where it rested. I looked away a moment to be sure that I was still watering where I needed to, and when I looked back the rose was unfurling!
It was slightly misshapen from its time between the blocks, but it was still very pretty and I had gotten to see it bloom like a time-lapse video in real life.
I saw the similarity between this rose and people. We may grow up in a difficult spot, which makes it hard for us to bloom and become all that we were meant to be. But when there is an opportunity to rise out of that hard spot, we can take it and let our inner beauty shine through.
As a recovering pessimist, it is easy to spot the thorns in life. I could once see anything and pick out all the negatives, stew on it, and then find some more. As I have worked to overcome my pessimism, I have come to recognize that those little pink things are not always just scattered petals blown by the chance of the wind from my neighbor’s yard; they are my own roses. If I cultivate my life, give it the right care, and prune back where the thorns have become too thick, I can bring forth more of the beauty that may just be wedged in a difficult spot.
When Lot was commanded to take his family and flee Sodom, he was told that none should look back. It had been difficult to live in such a wicked place, and finally he and his loved ones would be safe. But they were commanded by the Lord to not look back.
We have troubles in our past that have hurt us. Some have left deep scars. We may have some trouble dealing with present issues because of the past pains that haunt us. These things are hard to recover from, but healing is possible.
When we look back on our past troubles and drown ourselves in bad memories, we allow the past to control us. When we do this, we invite old situations and people who inflicted harm on us to continue to have power over us in the present. When we look back, we forget that we now have the power over ourselves, our decisions, and our futures. Your only “baggage” should be the good memories from your positive experiences and the lessons you have learned from your negative ones.
If you have not yet escaped the circumstances that oppress you, I invite you to make the changes you need to begin to heal. Work out what your problems are and that causes them. You may find that it is your work environment, the place you live, or the people you associate with that you need to exclude from your life. New jobs can be found. New living situations can be established. Ties can be cut. It is especially hard when you are a minor and cannot yet sever abusive ties, but in the meantime you can still observe what it is that you do not want to become and practice making the choices now that will lead you down the road you want to be on. Once you are away from whatever negative influences were hurting you, do not look back. Do not tell the people who abused you how to find you. It may be right to leave them with an email address in case a relative dies, but no physical addresses, phone numbers, or social media should be exchanged. When they are out of your life, looking back only opens a door to let your past back in.
We have the power to change ourselves, heal, and grow. We have the power to decide not to let past influences bring us down. We have the power–not them–to decide that we will invite positivity into our lives, reject negativity, and be the kind of people we were always meant to be. No longer will we be controlled. No longer will we accept abuse. No longer will we hide from the past under blankets of vice. Where we once may have been weak, we will be strong. Where once we were scared, we now can be fearless. Where there was once self-hatred, we can forgive and learn to love ourselves. No more will we look back and be destroyed as Lot’s wife by the horrors of what is behind us. We can choose to keep our eyes trained on the future and on the brightness we may find there. We have the power to choose the beauty in life’s garden over the thorns that we have known for too long and never look back. When we leave our biggest thorns behind, we can focus on the blooms to come.
I married very young. I was immature and naive and had no idea how real life worked, and I got married anyway. More than five years later, we’re still together.
This song from Mat Kearney, “Ships in the Night,” is something that I can relate to. I got no enjoyment out of the experiences that led to that ability to relate, but I do appreciate the maturity, understanding, and closeness that I have developed because of it. It’s true what they say: marriage is hard. That is why so many fail. I do believe that marrying my best friend made our survival possible, and we love each other with everything we’ve got, but we do still have our days when it is nice to have another room to cool off in.
There are some things that nobody will tell you before you get married. Or some people will, but nobody wants to listen to sound, unwanted realism based on experience and careful observation. Whatever anyone told you, here are some things that nobody told me.
It is really hard to get alone time. When you are single, you can tell your honey, “Sorry, babe, I’ve got a term paper due! How about Saturday for our date night?” When you are married, you share your facilities, your bedroom, and your chores. If you are lucky enough to have a spouse who wants to share things with you–hobbies, news, things of interest–your dear one will want your attention even when you have asked for space to focus. But you will be happier if you balance your projects and your marriage; keep in mind that sometimes your projects are the distraction and your marriage is your focus.
This feeds into another issue: Women, men need physical love to feel connected. We may need to talk and feel understood to feel connected to men, but men need that physical connection. In that way, they are much like the building toys of their childhood and the building tools of their adulthood. Physical acts–not just sex, but taking active part in their hobbies, helping them in their manly endeavors, and, yes, even bringing them a sandwich–are what make men feel closest to us. The marriage grows when you make an effort to do these sorts of things with your husband. If it’s not your favorite thing in the world (as much as I love action flicks, there are only so many times I can watch one before I need a good Disney), put on a smile, don’t complain, and help him enjoy what you’re doing. After he has had time to revel in what a great woman he has, you can let him know without disparaging whatever you did together (no matter how dumb you find Monster truck rallies) that it’s not your thing.
To the men: Sometimes women just need to talk it out, and you just have to remember that it is not about the nail. Sometimes it is that simple. We want to be understood by the most important person in our lives, and not just about superficial things. Granted, sometimes women need to seek advice from their husbands about fixing the problem, but seek first to understand the perspective and give your woman the empathy she is looking for. If you really want to look like a saint, write down the half-million fixes you’ve thought of while she was talking (bonus points go to the man who remembers names) and set a reminder for yourself to bring it up out of the blue. This way, she won’t be in the mode of empathy-seeking and you can start off a conversation with words women love to hear: “I was thinking about what you said the other day…” Women love when you remember what they said, and they love it when you think about them when they are not around.
A common sentiment is to have a 50/50 marriage. But if someone is only putting in 50% of the effort that they are capable of, where is the rest of their effort? When you say you have “both feet in,” where are your hands? They should be employed in improving your marriage and your spouse’s life as best you can. If you and your spouse each put 100% of yourselves into your marriage, it is difficult to fail. Do not expect to trade off dishes each night or argue whose turn it is to walk the dog or scrub the toilet. When you put in 100%, if you see that something needs to be done, you do it so your spouse does not have to worry about it. If one spouse is shy of 100%, the other’s loving example can be a catalyst for their improvement. Put in your 100% and keep feet planted in your marriage and both hands active in keeping it healthy.
Before you get married, your loved one will mostly see the good and possibly some of the bad. After you get married, your spouse will see everything–the good, the bad, and the ugly. You cannot hide any of it. Even if you manage to fake it for a while (which is dishonest, and dishonesty can only ever drive a wedge between you), facades tend to crack, exposing all that you are. Luckily, we can learn from our mistakes and work on growing better through our experiences. If we want to change for the better, we can talk with our spouse, friends, and family; we can get self-help books; we can check the Internet for anything there that can help; we can find therapy if we need it. Any number of things can help us in the journey of self-improvement. But if we refuse to admit to our failings or cling to misguided habits, this road can be a hard one to travel.
Am I perfect at these things? No. But I try, and I have improved on these and so many other aspects of my life with my husband. Together, we beat the statistics every single day. What I have listed are only a few of the things that nobody tells you about before marriage (so many little things cannot be discussed in one post), but they are things that build up and maintain your relationship. Whatever your buddies or the feminist movement or reality TV says about treating your partner contrary to these truths will not help your marriage. Popular opinion right now is to focus on making yourself happy and that everyone else should do the same. How can self-service form lasting relationships on the deepest of levels with anyone but yourself? It cannot. If you get distracted by the trivial things in the world, by the selfish things, or by the temptations that would destroy your most important relationship with another human being, you open yourself to the immense pains of hurting yourself. Notice that, in the video posted above, while the couple struggles and fights the man waves his hands and the scenery constantly changes? The distractions in life, like the hands and constant changes, pulled the couple apart and it was not until he stopped and looked around that he could see how far out he had drifted. Let your spouse be your focus. Drop the distractions. Your marriage means more than what the distractions of the world can offer.
I have had this song in my head all day. I hadn’t seen the video until I looked it up to share. The story in the video starts out pretty dark, but people who need the message in the lyrics have faced the darkness before. Everyone has a different past–some darker than others–but you need to know that there is hope in the future.
No matter what happens in life, how you react is up to you. The way that you react affects your outcome. You can give up, give in to whatever pressures are around you and to vices to mentally escape, but that only adds hardship on top of what problems you already have.
The alternative is to have hope. With hope, you have a chance for something in your future. Hope gives you the power to see possibilities and seize opportunities. It is the balm that, activated by effort, strengthens you as you heal. It is what keeps you working toward becoming fully healed even after you have hit the milestone of being “functional.”
Hope grows as you conquer your fears and reject your naysayers. It intensifies when you decide that the liars, the manipulators, and the abusers will no longer have power over you and your sense of self. When you realize that Heavenly Father truly is the father of your spirit, that you are a child of the Most High God, and that if you choose to rise above what even your closest enemies expect of you then there is nothing that can restrain you from your divine potential, hope abounds and you are made free. Hold to that hope, and do not allow anything to put you back in the shackles of your past.
You are a child of God. Have hope, and remember it.
In high school, a woman from church said that her house was “a happy house.” Immediately the Napoleon XIV “Funny Farm” song filled my head. Yes, I thought, a happy home. Because those exist in the real world. Such a thing seemed more distant than could be real, so I decided this person was happily delusional and let her go on her merry way.
When you grow up in a house that is negative on the happy scale, you don’t realize that you’re in the negatives. Wherever your home’s happiness baseline sits is your perception of normal. People whose baseline is set to zero come along, you assume that their life is abnormally happy, not realizing that they just aren’t surrounded by negativity. When you find an upbeat, happy person, they just don’t seem genuine. The positivity contrasts so much with what you are used to that you cannot help but believe that they are hiding something dark behind that bright smile and perky attitude.
It may sound weak to some, but raising a family of well-adjusted children is something that few people are capable of anymore. The next time you meet a person who was brought up without their parents inflicting physical, emotional, or psychological scars, remind them to thank the people who raised them because they have done a marvelous job. If you are a person who was brought up relatively intact, be sure to thank your parents for everything they have done–and, if you were belligerent in younger years, thank them for everything they have not done.
My biggest goal for my marriage and my future family is to make the home a happy place. I want it to be a place where children and their friends feel welcome and free to laugh. I want my home to be free of bullying, judgment, and cynicism. I want to raise children in an environment where they know that Mom and Dad correct them out of love and want the best for them.
I know that it is impossible to live with others and never have some sort of conflict, but I also know that it is entirely possible to resolve conflicts calmly and without harming anyone’s sense of self-worth. I know that it is possible to be angry at a situation and not at the people involved in it. I know that it is possible to let a child know that they have done wrong without making them feel like their entire being is wrong or invalid.
I know these things are possible. I know that I can have these things if I work toward them. I want to be that not-so-delusionally happy person who makes this a reality.
Roses in My Thornbush 